Stats:
Smashwords: (this month has been much flatter and more consistent - and I've been on holiday so I can't be exact - so I won't give the day by days) 266
My website: 2
Year Zero Website: 1
e-mail requests:
Scribd: 3
Total: 272 (target 300)
Books:
Direct from Lulu: 1
My orders from Lulu: 15
Sold through bookshops: 13
Direct sold by me:
Ordered online from me: 1
Total sold: 15 (target 25)
Significant events:
There were no significant events plugging the smashwords downlaod, as I noted last month. This month I have been gearing my energies to the book launch in Oxford (specific blog on that coming in the week), and launching the blog of the Year Zero website.
At the start of the month, I joined operation ebook drop, a project launched by ex-serviceman Ed Patterson in which authors offer servicemena nd servicewomen free ecopies of their book to put on Kindles so they have something to read on their tours of duty. My involvement is not something I've publicised because it's not designed to promote the book but to help peopel who need books to make a terrible situation more bearable, but it may be relevant. I have had two personal e-mailed responses, so this accounts for at least two downloads.
I have had 3 reviews this month (links from here):
3 October from Scott Pack of 5th Estate who used the phrase "Some moments of genuine promise in this debut novel suggest that Holloway could have a future outside of the world of peer review sites and print on demand"
6 October from DJ Young, who was using the book as an example of "the quality of what can be: ebooks or print-to-order offerings from independent or self-publishers are often maligned as the ghetto of the publishing world. With so many economical changes happening, the idea of the author/entrepreneur who provides direct commerce with his readers is no longer a bad joke publishers and agents can tell themselves anymore."
28 October from Erica Friedman, CEO of Yurikon, the lesbian manga publisgher who said "Songs From the Other Side of the Wall is a *very* good book"
October 10: the Year Zero blog goes live. We have had new fiction there almost every day since, in additionto articles on the craft and nature of writing and a weekly advice column. This has improved our visibility across the web. We are by no means anything other than minnows, but we have gone from around 50-60 hits a day to over 200, and yesterday we had 356
A number of articles came out aboutYear Zero this month, where my name has been mentioned, at Emprise Review, Editor Unleashed, Moxie Mezcal, and Fake Plastic Souks. And on 29 October Digital Book World referred to this monthly column. (All the links are available here)
29 October was the launch for the book in Oxford. It was held at the Albion Beatnik bookstore in Oxford, in conjunction with the album launch for singer-songwriter Jessie Grace, whom I chose because she sings like the main character in my book (she is also brilliant)
On 6 October the book was featured on the Aspiring Mangaka and Writers Club book tour
I was on holiday and utterly inactive on the web from 15-22 October (not pre-announced for security reasons)
Analysis
I missed both of my targets this month. That despite a successful launch (all 13 bookstore copies were sold there, and aroudn 60 people were there on the night) and some favourable reviews.
I am still not Amazon listed after the Published by You debacle on Lulu. I have not been able to afford my ISBNs through Nielsen (more pricey than through Lulu) and have chosen to wait rather than get a free Lulu one. I believe this will hold back sales considerably online.
Nonetheless, I am upbeat about the possibilities raised by the launch and the progress on the Year Zero site. I am planning another event in London in December. Now that I know I can both organise such an event and coordinate with musicians successfully, I will be uch more proactive in seeking regular media coverage. My naming names policy means thatI must point out that my local paper, The Oxford Mail, refused to cover this event, which I find both surprising and highly disappointing, as they have covered previous things I've done (maybe that's why!!). I hope they will be supportive in future, but I also hope my "I don't change policy" means I stick to my guns - I am the same now as I will be if I ever get successful, and my book is the same. I hope I am polite and courteous always when I approach people, and I hope I offer interesting content. If, therefore, I DO ever get successful, media who give me the brush-off now will get the very minimum cooperation from me then.
Coming next month:
My university alumni office has arranged a big event in Berlin celebrating the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. As this ties in with the book so well, I decided it would be daft not to do something with them. They have agreed to promote the book and I will give them £1.50 from each book sold from Lulu in November and December. This money will be donated to the Student Counsellnig services. If this works and sells some copies, I would like to extend it to causes I care about much more next year,and to whom I can present figures.
I believe a couple more reviews will come out next month.
I will be focusing my efforts on organising and promoting the main Year Zero launch in London, and Free-e-day, and will have little time to promote my own book. On the ther hand, the Year Zero press material wil be much more organised from this month, and will be more targeted, and the book will be included in the "our books" part of the press pack. Nonetheless, in the light of this, and the ongoing ISBN dilemma, I expect November to be a fallow month. So my predictions are:
Downloads: 200
Books: 5
Friday, 30 October 2009
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Going Bananas
A while ago, I interviewed Banana the Poet for my View From the Shoe column. It was, and still is, the most popular edition of that column I've had. You fell in love with Banana and her take on the world. So when she told me that The Alternative Poetry Book was now available on Amazon, I wanted first to give everyone the chance to buy it, and second to use it as an excuse for another interview. So here she is, the wonderful Banana:
1. Your poetry brightens many people's days on twitter and elsewhere. Do you get frustrated when people see you as a "happy poet"? And is that part of why you've deliberately written this book in two styles?
I try not to get frustrated by anything. Being seen as a "happy poet" is lovely! I'd rather be seen as a beautiful sylph-like figure with the intellect of a mega genius, but anything positive is good and at least "happy poet" is attainable as an image.
As for deliberately writing anything :) I wish! I just spout poetry day after day after day ad infinitum. I had no idea of a book when I wrote them - let alone a series of seven books. But when I did decide to package them up into a book form I already had two poetry blogs - one for funny/silly poems and one for serious poems.
This wasn't a purposeful thing either. I just started off posting my funny poems because I thought they would be most interesting for people and I felt less timid about them because it is always easier to share jokes than deeper feelings especially with strangers who might not be sympathetic or kind.
As time went on I gained confidence and realised that most people I encounter online are indeed very sympathetic, kind and supportive so I was encouraged to share my more 'raw' poetry. It didn't fit in my silly/happy poetry blog so I began poems-2-share.
I wanted to include both aspects of my poetry in my books and alternating 'serious' with 'funny' just felt the obvious way to go.
2. I love the any which way you can of the book. Which way is reading it back to front, and which is reading it the right way?
There is no right way and there is no wrong way. Any way that gets you through it is a good way. Upside down and in a mirror might be tricky - but hey if you fancy trying it - why not? I wonder if I should bring out a cloth book version for under water?
3. I'm not as versed in poetry as I'd like to be, but my limited knowledge of poetry makes me think, when I think of your book, of Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience. Is there anything in that?
You've guessed it! I am in fact Blake reincarnated only with more talent (that's a joke) and large bazooms (not a joke). I sing a lot higher these days, am both more innocent and experienced than in my previous incarnation and avoid tygers/tigers like the plague!
4. Why red and yellow?
Red is for the ketchup in my fried egg,
Yellow for the caterpillar crawling up my leg.
Together they make a bright, loud cover for my book,
They grab the eye and visually shout "come and take a look!"
Yellow is for butter, dandelions and sun.
Red is for the blood and danger deep in everyone.
The balance that is found in having Yin and Yang,
the colour and the life and the noise of fizz and bang!
5. You live in a gorgeous part of the world. Does that make writing poetry easier or harder?
Much much easier.
6. Can you remember anything about the first poem you wrote?
In this lifetime you mean? Not when I used to be Blakey?
I recently found while tidying out a drawer - a fragment of paper. It was very thin - almost toilet papery and carried the old familiar clonky blue typewriting that I used to bash out of my first plastic Petite typewriter. I must have been between 7 and 9 when I wrote it. My teenage son said on reading this "you were one seriously disturbed little doodie!" It's hard to argue with that on the facts :) Here's a facsimile of it:
TWERE night where winter dwelttt,
TWAS day when summer was felt ,
YOU n ever new when it would stop ,twirling , hurling , winter leaves whirling towards
you . Never, never whould they stop .
Till baby birds fall plop from their nests .
falling , falling from their nests . .
THE END-------------------------------------
7. Is there a poem inside you you feel you have to write - one day - but just can't bring out?
Goodness me no. I haven't got that sort of organisation or patience. I suffer more from poetic diarrhoea than poetic constipation. As soon as it begins to solidify - it's out there!
8. What reaction from a reader would please you the most?
The ultimate would be for a reader to read my work online and then feel so attached that they buy it in book form to re-read and share with others. Even better if they buy lots of copies for their friends, relatives etc or one for every room in the house because they couldn't bear to suddenly want to read one of the poems and not have the work to hand immediately!
But just reading it online and having an "Ah! I liked that," moment - for whatever reason - is absolutely all I ever really hoped for and more than I expected.
I'm writing to please readers, they don't need to please me.
9. Do you think poetry should be taken more seriously by people? Or less?
I don't "do" should - if I can avoid it. As long as people choose to take poetry at all they can take it anyway they want. I like my poetry in a certain way and that is the way I produce it. But if others have other ideas - that's fine - as long as nothing is imposed on either me or them we can all swim along together in the same sea without getting in each other's way.
10. What next?
I have no idea at all. That's what is so exciting about life - you never know what will happen and there's always something new and surprising to explore.
Thank you so much!
1. Your poetry brightens many people's days on twitter and elsewhere. Do you get frustrated when people see you as a "happy poet"? And is that part of why you've deliberately written this book in two styles?
I try not to get frustrated by anything. Being seen as a "happy poet" is lovely! I'd rather be seen as a beautiful sylph-like figure with the intellect of a mega genius, but anything positive is good and at least "happy poet" is attainable as an image.
As for deliberately writing anything :) I wish! I just spout poetry day after day after day ad infinitum. I had no idea of a book when I wrote them - let alone a series of seven books. But when I did decide to package them up into a book form I already had two poetry blogs - one for funny/silly poems and one for serious poems.
This wasn't a purposeful thing either. I just started off posting my funny poems because I thought they would be most interesting for people and I felt less timid about them because it is always easier to share jokes than deeper feelings especially with strangers who might not be sympathetic or kind.
As time went on I gained confidence and realised that most people I encounter online are indeed very sympathetic, kind and supportive so I was encouraged to share my more 'raw' poetry. It didn't fit in my silly/happy poetry blog so I began poems-2-share.
I wanted to include both aspects of my poetry in my books and alternating 'serious' with 'funny' just felt the obvious way to go.
2. I love the any which way you can of the book. Which way is reading it back to front, and which is reading it the right way?
There is no right way and there is no wrong way. Any way that gets you through it is a good way. Upside down and in a mirror might be tricky - but hey if you fancy trying it - why not? I wonder if I should bring out a cloth book version for under water?
3. I'm not as versed in poetry as I'd like to be, but my limited knowledge of poetry makes me think, when I think of your book, of Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience. Is there anything in that?
You've guessed it! I am in fact Blake reincarnated only with more talent (that's a joke) and large bazooms (not a joke). I sing a lot higher these days, am both more innocent and experienced than in my previous incarnation and avoid tygers/tigers like the plague!
4. Why red and yellow?
Red is for the ketchup in my fried egg,
Yellow for the caterpillar crawling up my leg.
Together they make a bright, loud cover for my book,
They grab the eye and visually shout "come and take a look!"
Yellow is for butter, dandelions and sun.
Red is for the blood and danger deep in everyone.
The balance that is found in having Yin and Yang,
the colour and the life and the noise of fizz and bang!
5. You live in a gorgeous part of the world. Does that make writing poetry easier or harder?
Much much easier.
6. Can you remember anything about the first poem you wrote?
In this lifetime you mean? Not when I used to be Blakey?
I recently found while tidying out a drawer - a fragment of paper. It was very thin - almost toilet papery and carried the old familiar clonky blue typewriting that I used to bash out of my first plastic Petite typewriter. I must have been between 7 and 9 when I wrote it. My teenage son said on reading this "you were one seriously disturbed little doodie!" It's hard to argue with that on the facts :) Here's a facsimile of it:
TWERE night where winter dwelttt,
TWAS day when summer was felt ,
YOU n ever new when it would stop ,twirling , hurling , winter leaves whirling towards
you . Never, never whould they stop .
Till baby birds fall plop from their nests .
falling , falling from their nests . .
THE END-------------------------------------
7. Is there a poem inside you you feel you have to write - one day - but just can't bring out?
Goodness me no. I haven't got that sort of organisation or patience. I suffer more from poetic diarrhoea than poetic constipation. As soon as it begins to solidify - it's out there!
8. What reaction from a reader would please you the most?
The ultimate would be for a reader to read my work online and then feel so attached that they buy it in book form to re-read and share with others. Even better if they buy lots of copies for their friends, relatives etc or one for every room in the house because they couldn't bear to suddenly want to read one of the poems and not have the work to hand immediately!
But just reading it online and having an "Ah! I liked that," moment - for whatever reason - is absolutely all I ever really hoped for and more than I expected.
I'm writing to please readers, they don't need to please me.
9. Do you think poetry should be taken more seriously by people? Or less?
I don't "do" should - if I can avoid it. As long as people choose to take poetry at all they can take it anyway they want. I like my poetry in a certain way and that is the way I produce it. But if others have other ideas - that's fine - as long as nothing is imposed on either me or them we can all swim along together in the same sea without getting in each other's way.
10. What next?
I have no idea at all. That's what is so exciting about life - you never know what will happen and there's always something new and surprising to explore.
Thank you so much!
Monday, 26 October 2009
The View From the Shoe: Lilian Wu
Lilian Wu (http://twitter.com/luthieawu) is the driving force behind the wonderful Aspiring Mangaka and Writers' Club. Hi, Lilian:
Hi everyone~! It's a great pleasure to be here, thanks to Dan. I go by many names on the WWW but you can just call me moon, which is short for moontique. =3 Ever since I discovered the internet, my online presence has been growing steadily as I create blogs to satisfy my craving for writing. It's almost like an addiction and one that I'm happy to indulge. My most successful blog to date is the Aspiring Mangaka & Writers Club (http://amwc.wordpress.com) where I blog writing/mangaka-ing related posts to encourage people to step closer to their dream of being published. It takes up a great deal of time and it doesn't earn me revenue but at the end of the day, I'm happy I'm helping people fulfill their dearest dreams. =3
Hope you guys enjoy the interview and oh, you can also catch me on these other blogs:
http://dreamsofluthiea.wordpress.com
http://thechicrevolution.blogspot.com
http://happydates.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for your time. So, Louboutin or Converse?
Actually, I'm not much of a brand person. LOL. As long as the shoes look pretty, fit comfortably (no high heels!) and fall within my price comfort zone, I don't mind buying it.
Why is there no one in the world who does it quite like you?
For some reason, I have the ability to make people enthusiastic about my projects. Maybe it's the very excited way I talk about them. =x
What do you really, really love about it?
I get to write about my passion, have people hang on my every word and meet lots of interesting folks from all over the world~!
A bit more time in the day, or a bit more money in the bank?
I don't mind a bit more money in the bank. =x It's not fun to be living from hand to mouth every month.
Imagine you “make it”. You wake up, and imagine the day ahead. Tell us about breakfast.Two words.
MacDonald's pancakes. =3
What’s your Jimmy Choo? And what’s just cobblers?
As weird as it sounds, I'm not much of a shoes woman. =x I don't really collect shoes and I don't go crazy over shoe sales. Only when I have spare cash to spend, do I really go crazy over them.
Tell us about the last time a fan made you feel 100 feet tall.
I once wrote a post about being a writer in Singapore. To my surprise, I found many readers agreeing with me through their comments on the blog. It may sound like a very simple thing but when you get a comment on your post, you stop feeling like you're blogging for nothing and you start to feel loved.
Independent and poor, or under contract and rich?
Under contract and rich. Like I said, you can't be creative when you constantly have to worry about your financial status.
Do you remember that bit on Play Away where Brian Cant stood behind people and did the actions whilst they spoke? If you could choose anyone to stand behind you and do the actions to your sales pitch, who would it be and why?
My boyfriend. He does deadpan very well and I'm always for deadpan humour. Although it might take some persuading (and bribing) to get moving. =x
Frocks or socks?
Frocks...especially those that flatters my figure. LOL.
Thanks!! Lilian
Hi everyone~! It's a great pleasure to be here, thanks to Dan. I go by many names on the WWW but you can just call me moon, which is short for moontique. =3 Ever since I discovered the internet, my online presence has been growing steadily as I create blogs to satisfy my craving for writing. It's almost like an addiction and one that I'm happy to indulge. My most successful blog to date is the Aspiring Mangaka & Writers Club (http://amwc.wordpress.com) where I blog writing/mangaka-ing related posts to encourage people to step closer to their dream of being published. It takes up a great deal of time and it doesn't earn me revenue but at the end of the day, I'm happy I'm helping people fulfill their dearest dreams. =3
Hope you guys enjoy the interview and oh, you can also catch me on these other blogs:
http://dreamsofluthiea.wordpress.com
http://thechicrevolution.blogspot.com
http://happydates.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for your time. So, Louboutin or Converse?
Actually, I'm not much of a brand person. LOL. As long as the shoes look pretty, fit comfortably (no high heels!) and fall within my price comfort zone, I don't mind buying it.
Why is there no one in the world who does it quite like you?
For some reason, I have the ability to make people enthusiastic about my projects. Maybe it's the very excited way I talk about them. =x
What do you really, really love about it?
I get to write about my passion, have people hang on my every word and meet lots of interesting folks from all over the world~!
A bit more time in the day, or a bit more money in the bank?
I don't mind a bit more money in the bank. =x It's not fun to be living from hand to mouth every month.
Imagine you “make it”. You wake up, and imagine the day ahead. Tell us about breakfast.Two words.
MacDonald's pancakes. =3
What’s your Jimmy Choo? And what’s just cobblers?
As weird as it sounds, I'm not much of a shoes woman. =x I don't really collect shoes and I don't go crazy over shoe sales. Only when I have spare cash to spend, do I really go crazy over them.
Tell us about the last time a fan made you feel 100 feet tall.
I once wrote a post about being a writer in Singapore. To my surprise, I found many readers agreeing with me through their comments on the blog. It may sound like a very simple thing but when you get a comment on your post, you stop feeling like you're blogging for nothing and you start to feel loved.
Independent and poor, or under contract and rich?
Under contract and rich. Like I said, you can't be creative when you constantly have to worry about your financial status.
Do you remember that bit on Play Away where Brian Cant stood behind people and did the actions whilst they spoke? If you could choose anyone to stand behind you and do the actions to your sales pitch, who would it be and why?
My boyfriend. He does deadpan very well and I'm always for deadpan humour. Although it might take some persuading (and bribing) to get moving. =x
Frocks or socks?
Frocks...especially those that flatters my figure. LOL.
Thanks!! Lilian
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Dealing with the Dark Places: Writing and Self-Doubt
This post is a culmination of several things that have happened in the last couple of days. First, I read an amazing post by my friend Eric Robertson over at The Indie Handbook about his battle for his identity. Then Larry put me onto a thought-provoking piece by Jeanette Winterson on how creative people take the wounded substance of their souls and try and remake it into something alive. Finally, yesterday Sabina England, whom many of you will remember from my interview with her, removed her coruscating masterpiece Brown Trash from Authonomy again. All that, and I've just uploaded the first two portions of SKIN BOOK, a piece of writing that's left me almost hollow.
A year or so ago I made a comment on a writing forum that every author at some point, if not all the time, believes, deep down, their work is worthless. I was told by a writer I still respect a huge amount not to be so ridiculous. No real writers thought like that. This post is about why he's both utterly wrong, yet somehow right. It's about the dark places. It's about Self-doubt with a capital "S", the kind of dount that penetrates us in the night, latches itself to every part of our soul we ever values, and sucks the colour and the worth from us until all that's left is the dank, grey nothing of shame - shame that we could ever have considered ourselves anything but worthless; shame that we could have imagined someone would have wanted to read our work; shame that we stuck our head so stupidly above the parapet; shame, and embarrassment, and fear at hat the world will say when the darkness recedes and dawn brings into sight the chorus of laughing, mocking faces that surround our bed.
Being bipolar, I am aware I have a strange relationship with doubt. Some of the time, in my hypomanic highs, I am convinced within a week I will be feted the world over. Some of the time, in the black dog lows, I know the whole world sees my worthlessness.
It's that second feeling that stays with me in the "well" phases, when the rest of my life is balanced. Like many in the arts, I am great at hiding it, even from myself. I guess I could teach others to do the same, call it NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and charge a fortune for the privilege.
But I don't want to. When I'm blogging, and when I'm mingling, or networking or whatever you want to call it, that kind of learned self-deception is actually rather useful. But when I'm writing - even when I'm speaking, or reading, things I genuinely love doing, it's not. Winterson made a wonderful point, about the way art doesn't come from the surface. It wells up out of our wounds (her phrase), it's a pressure that bursts through our fragile surface like magma (mine).
And that's the point with writing. It HAS to come from the dark places of doubt. It has to come from hurt and pain and unconfidence. Because writing for readers is like being with a wild animal - if you act it, they'll sniff you out and kill you.
[A philosophical aside - why am I equating pain, hurt, and self-doubt? Because, at a fundamental level, they are the same. Existential pain is the consequence of recognising that one is not self-sufficient. It's about coming face to face with your brokenness - and THAT means acknowledging how far short of perfection we fall. And how can we meet that recognition with anything but the most crippling self-doubt?]
So, all real writers experience self-doubt in a base, tautological sense (because if they don't their writing is of little value). I tend to think they also FEEL it, much of the time. And it is, like I said, crippling. Literally.
The key moment comes when we realise that our imperfection is the result of nothing other than being human. It is our common bond with every other person. And what's more, it is our acknowledgement of that imperfection - it is the fact of self-doubt - that means we, more than the 90% of "I'm all right Jack"s out there, have the possibility, however remote, of creating something of value.
IT IS THE SELF-DOUBT WE EXPERIENCE AS CRIPLPING US WITH SHAME AND FEAR THAT ACTUALLY, WHEN WE ACKNOWLEDGE IT, IS THE IMPETUS THAT DRIVES FORWARD OUR CREATIVITY. And if we can bring ourselves to make that result public, then we MAY, just, create art.
So my good friend the well-respected writer was, in a way, correct. Real writers don't - at a level deeper than the existential - at the level, Heidegger would say, of being itself - have doubt. But only because real writers know that it is only their doubt that gives their writing value.
Rita Hayworth famously said that she could always failed at relationships because they went to bed with Gilda, and woke up with Rita Hayworth. What she failed to realise, of course, was that it was only Rita Hayworth who made Gilda Gilda. And failing to realise it destroyed her.
And that's the trouble with being an artist or a writer or a musician, or anyone in the arts. The very thing that has the potential to set your work above the mass is something that could, literally, kill you. It did for Rita Hayworth; it did for Kurt Cobain; it has the potential to do for any of us who take that step and admit we want to be more than average. Because the one thing that keeps 90% of people safe is that practised self-deception. And when you're an artist, you make a pact to practice that as little as possible. It's why many creative people with mental health problems refuse to take medication to take the edge off their lows. It's a pact with the devil.
But the devil has the best tunes. And the best books. That's why.
A year or so ago I made a comment on a writing forum that every author at some point, if not all the time, believes, deep down, their work is worthless. I was told by a writer I still respect a huge amount not to be so ridiculous. No real writers thought like that. This post is about why he's both utterly wrong, yet somehow right. It's about the dark places. It's about Self-doubt with a capital "S", the kind of dount that penetrates us in the night, latches itself to every part of our soul we ever values, and sucks the colour and the worth from us until all that's left is the dank, grey nothing of shame - shame that we could ever have considered ourselves anything but worthless; shame that we could have imagined someone would have wanted to read our work; shame that we stuck our head so stupidly above the parapet; shame, and embarrassment, and fear at hat the world will say when the darkness recedes and dawn brings into sight the chorus of laughing, mocking faces that surround our bed.
Being bipolar, I am aware I have a strange relationship with doubt. Some of the time, in my hypomanic highs, I am convinced within a week I will be feted the world over. Some of the time, in the black dog lows, I know the whole world sees my worthlessness.
It's that second feeling that stays with me in the "well" phases, when the rest of my life is balanced. Like many in the arts, I am great at hiding it, even from myself. I guess I could teach others to do the same, call it NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and charge a fortune for the privilege.
But I don't want to. When I'm blogging, and when I'm mingling, or networking or whatever you want to call it, that kind of learned self-deception is actually rather useful. But when I'm writing - even when I'm speaking, or reading, things I genuinely love doing, it's not. Winterson made a wonderful point, about the way art doesn't come from the surface. It wells up out of our wounds (her phrase), it's a pressure that bursts through our fragile surface like magma (mine).
And that's the point with writing. It HAS to come from the dark places of doubt. It has to come from hurt and pain and unconfidence. Because writing for readers is like being with a wild animal - if you act it, they'll sniff you out and kill you.
[A philosophical aside - why am I equating pain, hurt, and self-doubt? Because, at a fundamental level, they are the same. Existential pain is the consequence of recognising that one is not self-sufficient. It's about coming face to face with your brokenness - and THAT means acknowledging how far short of perfection we fall. And how can we meet that recognition with anything but the most crippling self-doubt?]
So, all real writers experience self-doubt in a base, tautological sense (because if they don't their writing is of little value). I tend to think they also FEEL it, much of the time. And it is, like I said, crippling. Literally.
The key moment comes when we realise that our imperfection is the result of nothing other than being human. It is our common bond with every other person. And what's more, it is our acknowledgement of that imperfection - it is the fact of self-doubt - that means we, more than the 90% of "I'm all right Jack"s out there, have the possibility, however remote, of creating something of value.
IT IS THE SELF-DOUBT WE EXPERIENCE AS CRIPLPING US WITH SHAME AND FEAR THAT ACTUALLY, WHEN WE ACKNOWLEDGE IT, IS THE IMPETUS THAT DRIVES FORWARD OUR CREATIVITY. And if we can bring ourselves to make that result public, then we MAY, just, create art.
So my good friend the well-respected writer was, in a way, correct. Real writers don't - at a level deeper than the existential - at the level, Heidegger would say, of being itself - have doubt. But only because real writers know that it is only their doubt that gives their writing value.
Rita Hayworth famously said that she could always failed at relationships because they went to bed with Gilda, and woke up with Rita Hayworth. What she failed to realise, of course, was that it was only Rita Hayworth who made Gilda Gilda. And failing to realise it destroyed her.
And that's the trouble with being an artist or a writer or a musician, or anyone in the arts. The very thing that has the potential to set your work above the mass is something that could, literally, kill you. It did for Rita Hayworth; it did for Kurt Cobain; it has the potential to do for any of us who take that step and admit we want to be more than average. Because the one thing that keeps 90% of people safe is that practised self-deception. And when you're an artist, you make a pact to practice that as little as possible. It's why many creative people with mental health problems refuse to take medication to take the edge off their lows. It's a pact with the devil.
But the devil has the best tunes. And the best books. That's why.
Friday, 23 October 2009
Crystal Kindles: what does 2010 hold in store in the literary world?
It feels like I've been away for an age. In reality it's been a week in Northern France eating rillettes and thinking about all things literary.
Which has given me time to think about the future - more important to get my foot in the door and be the first to ask what 2010 holds for the literary world. It wouldn't be a proper one of my blog posts if I just said "This and this and this will happen" so I'm putting a bit of a spin on things. First up, a few predictions about what I think the mainstream will be touting as the hot topics of 2010. Then a little something about the hot hot topics, the nascent waves they haven't seen coming. Not too much on the why and wherefore or I'll be here all night - just enough to get the conversation going; and maybe make some of it self-fulfilling...
Don't forget: when January 1, 2011 comes and I was wrong on every count, you can all have a good old laugh at my expense.
So:
Read the blogs, visit the websites, read the trade papers, flick through the magazines, and what will you see in 2010 (the bandwagons it's too late to jump on though many will try)
1. Google Wave, Apple Tablet, Wiki-software as my TECH no-brainers (and yes, sadly I DO think some people will still think the Kindle's news in 2010)
2. PUBLISHERS will be talking steampunk (yes, STILL - you only think it's passe already because you're ahead of the game) and post-recession (thrillers, dramas of the Full Monty ilk, and lifestyle books - both how-to and "how I survived"). They will lock horns with writers over advances and publicity (or, at least, the more foresighted ones will). They'll also suddenly catch on to serialisation - Victoria Barnsley got there this year, when it was still almost newsworthy, but very few have followed.
3. The LITERATI will probably, courtesy of Neil Gaiman and the fact literature always lags behind art and Gormley got there this year, be talking crowdsourcing
4. PUNDITS will be banging on about the success or failure of Richard Nash's Cursor. The freemium debate will, inevitably, linger on like a stale odour, and some people will still think the price of ebooks is a debate because ebook sales will rise apace, masking the facts that 1 - talking about ebook pricing will be by then a category error in terms of obsolescent business models, and 2 - ebooks will, by early 2011, already be on the way out (despite continued rise in numbers). Note - this is a dead topic for pundits, but very much not for writers - the year and a half the ebook boom has left is very much worth riding.
5. WRITERS be trying to ride the steampunk wave once they've sucked vampires dry. They will also be engaging in full-scale war over Creative Commons, ebook pricing, and how to make a living from content provision. We will see some real disgruntlement at publishers, too, over decreasing advances and increased marketing demands - with particular objection to the demand for authors to do webcasts and YouTube trailers. More writers will catch on to the value fo chapbooks and special editions - expect to see beautiful one-offs and companion pieces.
And here's where the action's really at in 2010 - the waves that are still way out at sea with plenty of time to catch them before they break:
1. in TECH, intelligent paper is a long way from being viable as a mass commodity, but for those who love the book, it's where the smart money is. And for those who like reading on the run, the iPhone is old news but it's still the only news in town, but expect a raft of new apps from serialisations to interactive reading to exciting blue-tooth functionality like random read-shares and collaborative reading (blue-tooth-operated collaborative writing harnessing flashmob appeal is the future of wiki-software, but I'm not sure even the good people of Silicon Valley have figured that out yet - the potential for creating geo-specific novels this way, meshing geocaching, LAN gaming, extreme tourism, flashmobbing, and wiki-creativity IS THE MOST EXCITING DEVELOPMENT I SEE COMING, but it may be for 2011). The only Tablet worth speaking of is the one for the massive hangover B & N and Waterstone's will catch when their e-readers go belly-up. I like ether-pad and the kind of stuff MCM did with 3D1D, involving the reader in the writer's real-time editing.
2. The smart book trends for PUBLISHERS next year are world fiction (come on, we have so much access to so much incredible global talent - we need imprints backed by quality translation teams to tap it); and post-environmentalism: in particular books focused on individualism and existentialism (fiction AND non-fiction) - yet another reprint fo Epicurus would fly off teh shelves, and anything else that debunks the delayed gratification model of environmentalism as people realise 1. we're screwed anyway 2. there are more immediate dangers than climate change and 3. saving things for the future is a philosophy that has serious emotional as well as logical flaws. On a related note, look towards historical fiction that captures the same spirit - the 1920s, fin de siecle, early 1960s and early/mid 1980s are hot for this reason (in particuar the hedonism of the period - Punk is passe, New Romanticism will be, for a very brief window, cutting edge).
3.The LITERATI to watch will be playing cross-genre games - fed up of Bunny Munro and Punk Fictin, writers will want a piece of the music/film/art pie - and they'll want to bend them in literary ways. Collaborations are out (sorry, Mr Gaiman, you're passe in very many ways in 2010, albeit still successful), and DIY is in. And, dare I say it, as people start playing around with form and genre - Modernism is back.
4. PUNDITS may finally sit up and start asking ethical questions about the global implications of the future face of publishing - in particular, how to embrace, expose but not exploit emerging talent.
5. WRITERS should stop locking horns with publishers over advances and push and embrace new contractual models like ebook only contracts and zero advance contracts. They should also consider direct outsourcing - and in particular look to start creaming top music industry PRs into the literary sphere.
Can't make up my mind:
I want to say something about self-publishing and print-on-demand espresso machines, but I really can't make up my mind where to put them. My personal feeling is self-publishing is just a non-topic now - it's about how not whether it's acceptable. Espresso machines are tricky. I thought 9 months ago they were the saviour of the Long Tail. I still think they have a role to play, but I didn't realise just how quickly intelligent paper would progress.
And the "hot topics" that are just stone cold
I think Indie will be a buzzword in 2010 - bookstores and collectives in particular - but I also think these are battles that have been won already. There may even be people who tout niche as hot - it's not. It wasn't this year when I was talking about it. It certainly won't be next year. Collective likewise. I'm afraid anyone who is going to succeed with any of these has already started.
PLAY THE GAME AT HOME by ticking them off one at a time as they headline - or rather, watch as the bingo card stays blank. Happy predicting :-)
Which has given me time to think about the future - more important to get my foot in the door and be the first to ask what 2010 holds for the literary world. It wouldn't be a proper one of my blog posts if I just said "This and this and this will happen" so I'm putting a bit of a spin on things. First up, a few predictions about what I think the mainstream will be touting as the hot topics of 2010. Then a little something about the hot hot topics, the nascent waves they haven't seen coming. Not too much on the why and wherefore or I'll be here all night - just enough to get the conversation going; and maybe make some of it self-fulfilling...
Don't forget: when January 1, 2011 comes and I was wrong on every count, you can all have a good old laugh at my expense.
So:
Read the blogs, visit the websites, read the trade papers, flick through the magazines, and what will you see in 2010 (the bandwagons it's too late to jump on though many will try)
1. Google Wave, Apple Tablet, Wiki-software as my TECH no-brainers (and yes, sadly I DO think some people will still think the Kindle's news in 2010)
2. PUBLISHERS will be talking steampunk (yes, STILL - you only think it's passe already because you're ahead of the game) and post-recession (thrillers, dramas of the Full Monty ilk, and lifestyle books - both how-to and "how I survived"). They will lock horns with writers over advances and publicity (or, at least, the more foresighted ones will). They'll also suddenly catch on to serialisation - Victoria Barnsley got there this year, when it was still almost newsworthy, but very few have followed.
3. The LITERATI will probably, courtesy of Neil Gaiman and the fact literature always lags behind art and Gormley got there this year, be talking crowdsourcing
4. PUNDITS will be banging on about the success or failure of Richard Nash's Cursor. The freemium debate will, inevitably, linger on like a stale odour, and some people will still think the price of ebooks is a debate because ebook sales will rise apace, masking the facts that 1 - talking about ebook pricing will be by then a category error in terms of obsolescent business models, and 2 - ebooks will, by early 2011, already be on the way out (despite continued rise in numbers). Note - this is a dead topic for pundits, but very much not for writers - the year and a half the ebook boom has left is very much worth riding.
5. WRITERS be trying to ride the steampunk wave once they've sucked vampires dry. They will also be engaging in full-scale war over Creative Commons, ebook pricing, and how to make a living from content provision. We will see some real disgruntlement at publishers, too, over decreasing advances and increased marketing demands - with particular objection to the demand for authors to do webcasts and YouTube trailers. More writers will catch on to the value fo chapbooks and special editions - expect to see beautiful one-offs and companion pieces.
And here's where the action's really at in 2010 - the waves that are still way out at sea with plenty of time to catch them before they break:
1. in TECH, intelligent paper is a long way from being viable as a mass commodity, but for those who love the book, it's where the smart money is. And for those who like reading on the run, the iPhone is old news but it's still the only news in town, but expect a raft of new apps from serialisations to interactive reading to exciting blue-tooth functionality like random read-shares and collaborative reading (blue-tooth-operated collaborative writing harnessing flashmob appeal is the future of wiki-software, but I'm not sure even the good people of Silicon Valley have figured that out yet - the potential for creating geo-specific novels this way, meshing geocaching, LAN gaming, extreme tourism, flashmobbing, and wiki-creativity IS THE MOST EXCITING DEVELOPMENT I SEE COMING, but it may be for 2011). The only Tablet worth speaking of is the one for the massive hangover B & N and Waterstone's will catch when their e-readers go belly-up. I like ether-pad and the kind of stuff MCM did with 3D1D, involving the reader in the writer's real-time editing.
2. The smart book trends for PUBLISHERS next year are world fiction (come on, we have so much access to so much incredible global talent - we need imprints backed by quality translation teams to tap it); and post-environmentalism: in particular books focused on individualism and existentialism (fiction AND non-fiction) - yet another reprint fo Epicurus would fly off teh shelves, and anything else that debunks the delayed gratification model of environmentalism as people realise 1. we're screwed anyway 2. there are more immediate dangers than climate change and 3. saving things for the future is a philosophy that has serious emotional as well as logical flaws. On a related note, look towards historical fiction that captures the same spirit - the 1920s, fin de siecle, early 1960s and early/mid 1980s are hot for this reason (in particuar the hedonism of the period - Punk is passe, New Romanticism will be, for a very brief window, cutting edge).
3.The LITERATI to watch will be playing cross-genre games - fed up of Bunny Munro and Punk Fictin, writers will want a piece of the music/film/art pie - and they'll want to bend them in literary ways. Collaborations are out (sorry, Mr Gaiman, you're passe in very many ways in 2010, albeit still successful), and DIY is in. And, dare I say it, as people start playing around with form and genre - Modernism is back.
4. PUNDITS may finally sit up and start asking ethical questions about the global implications of the future face of publishing - in particular, how to embrace, expose but not exploit emerging talent.
5. WRITERS should stop locking horns with publishers over advances and push and embrace new contractual models like ebook only contracts and zero advance contracts. They should also consider direct outsourcing - and in particular look to start creaming top music industry PRs into the literary sphere.
Can't make up my mind:
I want to say something about self-publishing and print-on-demand espresso machines, but I really can't make up my mind where to put them. My personal feeling is self-publishing is just a non-topic now - it's about how not whether it's acceptable. Espresso machines are tricky. I thought 9 months ago they were the saviour of the Long Tail. I still think they have a role to play, but I didn't realise just how quickly intelligent paper would progress.
And the "hot topics" that are just stone cold
I think Indie will be a buzzword in 2010 - bookstores and collectives in particular - but I also think these are battles that have been won already. There may even be people who tout niche as hot - it's not. It wasn't this year when I was talking about it. It certainly won't be next year. Collective likewise. I'm afraid anyone who is going to succeed with any of these has already started.
PLAY THE GAME AT HOME by ticking them off one at a time as they headline - or rather, watch as the bingo card stays blank. Happy predicting :-)
Thursday, 15 October 2009
The View From the Shoe: Bee Drunken
Today's View From the Shoe is being posted on a Thursday because I am taking an internet break for a week in the (probably vain) hope that it will enale me to finish The Man Who Painted Agnieszka's shoes, and my next project, which I'm unveiling over at Year Zero. I'll be back online next Friday
I met the author of the marvellous Bee Drunken blog quite by chance whilst looking for a website for my favourite bookshop, Oxford's Albion Beatnik, and fell instantly in love with its exquisite accounts of culture and travel. Bee is also co-author of the unctuous, amazizing food blog, Domestic Sensualists.
So here's Bee, in her own words:
· Thank you so much for your time. So, Louboutin or Converse?
Honestly? I would have to say wellies and slippers. I would like to attribute this lack of shoe-cool to being over 40, but the sad truth is that my life in England is all about warmth and comfort. (When I lived in Texas, I wore lots of cute sandals, but essentially I am not a very style-driven person and I’ve been quite happy to lapse into countryside pragmatism and slobbery.)
· What do you do?
Well, I’m pretty much a grab-bag of hobbies and enthusiasms – and I do a lot, but in another sense, quite little. I’m a mom/teacher/wife/eternal student who makes a home-cooked meal every night. I’m a city person who lives in the countryside. I’m an extroverted loner. I’m the girl next door with a wide eccentric streak. I’m the person who will unexpectedly send you a card – just because it reminded me of you. I’m a very good talker, but I hate phones. I’m prone to tangents. I take my writing seriously, but I’m not very ambitious. I love it when people are passionate (and not afraid to show it) about their enthusiasms. I’m pretty sure that I haven’t found my true calling yet, but even if I never do, it will still have been a rich and satisfying life.
· Why is there no one in the world who does it quite like you?
I am an impractical and idealistic dreamer, but also a good plain cook who can multi-task. I have an English vocabulary combined with a Texan drawl.
· What do you really, really love about it?
I love that my personal circumstances allow me to travel a lot and be a bit of a dilettante. I love that blogging has enabled me to form friendships all over the world. I love that I am capable of “great gusts of joy.”
· A bit more time in the day, or a bit more money in the bank?
I would like to have more hours between dinner and bedtime. This is my favourite time of the day, and it always goes so quickly . . .
· Imagine you “make it”. You wake up, and imagine the day ahead. Tell us about breakfast.
Well, I expect that I will be in a self-indulgent mood; thus I would order room-service from some fancy London hotel that does extremely high thread-count sheets. There would be a big pot of tea and some cake. I would read all morning, from a choice selection of books, newspapers and magazines, and then perhaps venture into Town sometime after elevenses.
· What’s your Jimmy Choo? And what’s just cobblers?
My Jimmy Choo in life is a wondrous independent bookstore that also sells good coffee, tempting baked goods and beautiful cards and is located, ideally, next to an equally wonderful grocery store or market. My idea of cobblers is that frozen-food shop Iceland.
· Tell us about the last time a fan made you feel 100 feet tall.
Any time I get a comment . . . because I’m easy that way.
· Independent and poor, or under contract and rich?
(How poor am I?) I hate deadlines and fine print . . .
· Do you remember that bit on Play Away where Brian Cant stood behind people and did the actions whilst they spoke? If you could choose anyone to stand behind you and do the actions to your sales pitch, who would it be and why?
Since Banana already took Oprah, I’m going to opt for Michelle Obama. So many reasons for the because, starting with her husband: but also because she has a great smile; she is smart and stylish; and she is much tougher and taller than I am.
· Frocks or socks?
Socks, for 360 days of the year. Very occasionally, a frock.
I met the author of the marvellous Bee Drunken blog quite by chance whilst looking for a website for my favourite bookshop, Oxford's Albion Beatnik, and fell instantly in love with its exquisite accounts of culture and travel. Bee is also co-author of the unctuous, amazizing food blog, Domestic Sensualists.
So here's Bee, in her own words:
· Thank you so much for your time. So, Louboutin or Converse?
Honestly? I would have to say wellies and slippers. I would like to attribute this lack of shoe-cool to being over 40, but the sad truth is that my life in England is all about warmth and comfort. (When I lived in Texas, I wore lots of cute sandals, but essentially I am not a very style-driven person and I’ve been quite happy to lapse into countryside pragmatism and slobbery.)
· What do you do?
Well, I’m pretty much a grab-bag of hobbies and enthusiasms – and I do a lot, but in another sense, quite little. I’m a mom/teacher/wife/eternal student who makes a home-cooked meal every night. I’m a city person who lives in the countryside. I’m an extroverted loner. I’m the girl next door with a wide eccentric streak. I’m the person who will unexpectedly send you a card – just because it reminded me of you. I’m a very good talker, but I hate phones. I’m prone to tangents. I take my writing seriously, but I’m not very ambitious. I love it when people are passionate (and not afraid to show it) about their enthusiasms. I’m pretty sure that I haven’t found my true calling yet, but even if I never do, it will still have been a rich and satisfying life.
· Why is there no one in the world who does it quite like you?
I am an impractical and idealistic dreamer, but also a good plain cook who can multi-task. I have an English vocabulary combined with a Texan drawl.
· What do you really, really love about it?
I love that my personal circumstances allow me to travel a lot and be a bit of a dilettante. I love that blogging has enabled me to form friendships all over the world. I love that I am capable of “great gusts of joy.”
· A bit more time in the day, or a bit more money in the bank?
I would like to have more hours between dinner and bedtime. This is my favourite time of the day, and it always goes so quickly . . .
· Imagine you “make it”. You wake up, and imagine the day ahead. Tell us about breakfast.
Well, I expect that I will be in a self-indulgent mood; thus I would order room-service from some fancy London hotel that does extremely high thread-count sheets. There would be a big pot of tea and some cake. I would read all morning, from a choice selection of books, newspapers and magazines, and then perhaps venture into Town sometime after elevenses.
· What’s your Jimmy Choo? And what’s just cobblers?
My Jimmy Choo in life is a wondrous independent bookstore that also sells good coffee, tempting baked goods and beautiful cards and is located, ideally, next to an equally wonderful grocery store or market. My idea of cobblers is that frozen-food shop Iceland.
· Tell us about the last time a fan made you feel 100 feet tall.
Any time I get a comment . . . because I’m easy that way.
· Independent and poor, or under contract and rich?
(How poor am I?) I hate deadlines and fine print . . .
· Do you remember that bit on Play Away where Brian Cant stood behind people and did the actions whilst they spoke? If you could choose anyone to stand behind you and do the actions to your sales pitch, who would it be and why?
Since Banana already took Oprah, I’m going to opt for Michelle Obama. So many reasons for the because, starting with her husband: but also because she has a great smile; she is smart and stylish; and she is much tougher and taller than I am.
· Frocks or socks?
Socks, for 360 days of the year. Very occasionally, a frock.
Monday, 12 October 2009
The View From the Shoe: Roland Denning
I "met" Roland well over a year ago on the writers' site Youwriteon. Since then I have met him for real. Twice. He's not only the hugely talented author of The Beach Beneath the Pavement, but not a little creative with the camera. Which is one reason I wanted to speak to him. You must. must. must watch his films - oh, and read the book.
So, in his own words:
The Beach Beneath The Pavement, ‘a satirical novel of conspiracy and paranoia in London’s dark corners’ came out earlier this year under the auspices of Type Of Thing press, coincidentally the imprint of the author, Roland Denning. A brief and unsuccessful flurry of activity with a literary agent earlier this year impelled Roland to author a series of short animation films featuring a robot called Roland and his dealings with the world of publishing. Roland the Robot bears no relation to the character of Roland the author, so it was probably a poor choice of name. These films are, quite possibly, much better than the book.
http://www.beachbeneathpavement.co.uk/Site_2/On_Meeting_An_Agent.html
Thank you for inviting me into the Year Zero for this interview, Dan. Also particularly nice that you sent a car for me. Been even better if you had paid the driver, but you can’t have everything.
Thank you so much for your time. So, Louboutin or Converse?
I’ve always favoured a Saint-Emilion if red, a Pouilly-Fuissé if white. Not much time for this New World stuff. Am I being too facetious? Sorry, interviews always make me nervous.
Why is there no one in the world who does it quite like you?
I wrote the formula down in my own hand writing. No one else can read it. Even I have trouble at times.
By the way, there doesn’t seem to be anybody else in the room. Apart from the camera. And the man with the gun. Where are you hiding, Dan?
What do you really, really love about it?
I suppose when I write something that makes people laugh. Actual, spontaneous hearty laughter. You can’t fake that, and you can’t deny it’s happened. That is, as long as it is meant to be funny. (If they do laugh, I always say it was. This has ruined several relationships).
A bit more time in the day, or a bit more money in the bank?
The older I get, the more aware I become that our lives are finite and incredibly short. It seems like only this morning you asked me to do this interview. Oh, it was. Sorry, to answer the question, of course the former. You can always steal money.
By the way, any chance of the bus fare back to Camden?
Imagine you “make it”. You wake up, and imagine the day ahead. Tell us about breakfast.
My breakfast has always been, as long as I can remember, one slice of toast with vintage Oxford marmalade, one slice of toast with Marmite. I don’t see why I should change that now I am rich and famous. Maybe it could be served by, or possibly on, beautiful naked young women.
What’s your Jimmy Choo? And what’s just cobblers?
i) A ripe Alphonso mango, some Thai grass, and Trout Mask Replica on a very good sound system.
ii) A Golden Delicious, warm lager and Trout Mask Replica on a broken Dansette. Which is how I heard it first. Some things have got better.
Tell us about the last time a fan made you feel 100 feet tall.
When I had a girlfriend who was only 3 inches high.
Independent and poor, or under contract and rich?
Is this an offer? I think if there’s a contract out on me, money isn’t going to help. Do you know something I don’t know?
Do you remember that bit on Play Away where Brian Cant stood behind people and did the actions whilst they spoke? If you could choose anyone to stand behind you and do the actions to your sales pitch, who would it be and why?
Do you remember in the Golden Voyage of Sinbad, where Sinbad fights the six-armed Kali idol? She would be good, although you might say that’s an unfair advantage.
Frocks or socks?
It would have to be frocks. Standing naked in just your socks you feel so stupid. As I do now. You never told me why I had to undress for this interview.
Can I go now? I don’t like the way the guy with the gun is looking at me.
Have I got the job?
So, in his own words:
The Beach Beneath The Pavement, ‘a satirical novel of conspiracy and paranoia in London’s dark corners’ came out earlier this year under the auspices of Type Of Thing press, coincidentally the imprint of the author, Roland Denning. A brief and unsuccessful flurry of activity with a literary agent earlier this year impelled Roland to author a series of short animation films featuring a robot called Roland and his dealings with the world of publishing. Roland the Robot bears no relation to the character of Roland the author, so it was probably a poor choice of name. These films are, quite possibly, much better than the book.
http://www.beachbeneathpavement.co.uk/Site_2/On_Meeting_An_Agent.html
Thank you for inviting me into the Year Zero for this interview, Dan. Also particularly nice that you sent a car for me. Been even better if you had paid the driver, but you can’t have everything.
Thank you so much for your time. So, Louboutin or Converse?
I’ve always favoured a Saint-Emilion if red, a Pouilly-Fuissé if white. Not much time for this New World stuff. Am I being too facetious? Sorry, interviews always make me nervous.
Why is there no one in the world who does it quite like you?
I wrote the formula down in my own hand writing. No one else can read it. Even I have trouble at times.
By the way, there doesn’t seem to be anybody else in the room. Apart from the camera. And the man with the gun. Where are you hiding, Dan?
What do you really, really love about it?
I suppose when I write something that makes people laugh. Actual, spontaneous hearty laughter. You can’t fake that, and you can’t deny it’s happened. That is, as long as it is meant to be funny. (If they do laugh, I always say it was. This has ruined several relationships).
A bit more time in the day, or a bit more money in the bank?
The older I get, the more aware I become that our lives are finite and incredibly short. It seems like only this morning you asked me to do this interview. Oh, it was. Sorry, to answer the question, of course the former. You can always steal money.
By the way, any chance of the bus fare back to Camden?
Imagine you “make it”. You wake up, and imagine the day ahead. Tell us about breakfast.
My breakfast has always been, as long as I can remember, one slice of toast with vintage Oxford marmalade, one slice of toast with Marmite. I don’t see why I should change that now I am rich and famous. Maybe it could be served by, or possibly on, beautiful naked young women.
What’s your Jimmy Choo? And what’s just cobblers?
i) A ripe Alphonso mango, some Thai grass, and Trout Mask Replica on a very good sound system.
ii) A Golden Delicious, warm lager and Trout Mask Replica on a broken Dansette. Which is how I heard it first. Some things have got better.
Tell us about the last time a fan made you feel 100 feet tall.
When I had a girlfriend who was only 3 inches high.
Independent and poor, or under contract and rich?
Is this an offer? I think if there’s a contract out on me, money isn’t going to help. Do you know something I don’t know?
Do you remember that bit on Play Away where Brian Cant stood behind people and did the actions whilst they spoke? If you could choose anyone to stand behind you and do the actions to your sales pitch, who would it be and why?
Do you remember in the Golden Voyage of Sinbad, where Sinbad fights the six-armed Kali idol? She would be good, although you might say that’s an unfair advantage.
Frocks or socks?
It would have to be frocks. Standing naked in just your socks you feel so stupid. As I do now. You never told me why I had to undress for this interview.
Can I go now? I don’t like the way the guy with the gun is looking at me.
Have I got the job?
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